on intuition

Every once in a while, usually in the middle of a conversation about dating or relationships, someone will tell me,

“You think too much.”

It’s really pretty funny. I get it all the time – usually from friends who happen to be women. After listening to me carefully and logically explain all the reasons why I probably shouldn’t date someone, they’ll say something like, “You’ll never really know until you try. You should just ask her out.”

There’s usually a pretty frustrated tone to this last part, which makes me smile again, mostly because it solidifies my hunch that the person I’m talking with still doesn’t know me very well.

I’ll think to myself…. man, if she really knew me, it would be obvious to her that I rely on my intuition constantly. And, she’d probably also understand that although I enjoy weighing the pros and cons of just about everything in life, the simple fact that I’m having an inner debate about someone is a good indication that I’m only trying to justify my intuitive feeling that something just doesn’t feel right.

If my head is working over time, it just means that my heart isn’t convinced.

If I look back on most all of the important decisions I’ve made in my life, I think that it is safe to say that I’ve followed my intuition in every instance. And, believe it or not, almost none of those decisions seemed logical at the time. Although they now seem to make perfect sense, back then, they seemed risky and illogical, and they surprised more than a few people in the process.

That’s not to say that I made all of those decisions quickly, however. And, maybe this is the reason why I’m writing this essay.

I think that intuition is a tricky thing. Sometimes, it comes quickly and other times, it hangs around for a while and has to whisper to us quietly and consistently, until we’re finally able to hear it.

From my experience, intuition works slowly when we’re on the wrong path and quickly when we’re on the right one. It usually irritates us when we’re doing something we shouldn’t, and then when we’ve found something really good, it hits us over the head. When we finally listen to it, we experience a kind of inner wholeness – a feeling that we have found where we need to be.

I think following our intuition isn’t always easy though. Since it often leads us to illogical people and places, I think it’s sometimes hard to justify to others. And, if we’ve internalized the expectations of the world around us, then sometimes, we can wrestle with ourselves, trying to avoid what could be a good thing for us.

One of my favorite writers, Joseph Campbell, calls this “the refusal of the call,” and believe it or not, he says that the world is filled with people who have betrayed their intuition. Out of fear and out of uncertainty, they have chosen the wrong path, the safe path, and the path that is not in alignment with their deepest potential.

It’s funny. When I look back on all of the decisions that I’m most proud of, I remember being both afraid and excited. Of course, not everything I’ve tried has worked out, but everything I’ve tried has been incredibly worthwhile, since it taught me a valuable lesson and added a dimension of adventure to my life.

Maybe this is the greatest gift of following our intuition. When we do… life really does become an adventure. It’s exciting. It’s scary. It’s rewarding. When we start following our best path, there are fewer things to complain about and more things to look forward to.

Joseph Campbell also wrote that “what you don’t experience positively, you will experience negatively.” And, by this he means that when we don’t follow what keeps calling to us, we get bored, restless, and irritable. And, when we start following our hunches, as strange as they may seem, then life starts feeling different and more colorful.

In the end, I think it’s pretty safe to say that those of us who listen to our deepest selves will live full and rich lives, and those of us who don’t will certainly die feeling like we missed out on something.

Have you ever noticed how some old people remain filled with life and exude gratitude, peace, and calm? While other old folks are bitter, helpless, and scared of dying? It seems pretty obvious to me which ones followed their intuition and which ones didn’t. In fact, it seems pretty obvious to me which friends of mine are on the right path and which ones are struggling down the wrong one.

If you are unsure which path you are on, after reading this, then you may need to take some time to pause and reflect on your present course. Don’t listen to what anyone else says. Just go for a walk in the woods and let your mind wander. Or invite someone you respect out for a coffee. Or talk to a friend who seems to be living a full and rich life. Nothing will magically happen overnight, but in time, your next step will be a healthy one. Trust me. You’ll know. You’ll feel it in your gut.

on balance

Before I was a teenager, I was a bit of a “momma’s boy.” I was a pretty shy and sensitive little kid who loved the arts. My Mom said that when I was 5 years old, I could become utterly absorbed in the TV show "Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood" and that I could sit in my Dad’s office for hours reading books and listening to music. Even back then, I guess I was inquisitive and imaginative and perfectly at home playing by myself. (I also didn’t mind helping my Mom make peanut butter cookies in the kitchen either).

My life didn’t stay that way for long, however. When my Mom eventually had my little sister, I started to be drawn towards the activities of my Dad and my older brothers. As I attempted to keep up with them and assert myself in school, I learned to be a lot more competitive. In time, I won more than a few playground fights and turned into a pretty good athlete. When I played little league baseball, I became an all-star. In junior high, I placed second in the state wrestling tournament. And in high school, I played on the varsity golf team.

But, for some reason, as time went by and I went off to college, I started to get back into the arts. I signed up to be a DJ at the campus radio station, and I started hanging around the intellectuals and the activists. To my Dad’s horror, I ended up majoring in Philosophy; and when I eventually moved to Greensboro to get an MFA in printmaking and sculpture, I had essentially turned my back completely away from the more athletic side of my personality - the part of me that I had successfully developed as a teenager.

Which brings me to the reason why the past couple of years have felt so good. Recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that living a good life is all about balance.

I think that for whatever reason, over the years, I’ve always thought that most things were either/or propositions. I’ve felt like I had to choose between being an athlete or being an artist. If I wanted to be a good athlete, then I had to set aside the creative and compassionate part of myself. And, if I wanted to be a serious artist, then I had to set aside the athletic competitive part. Consequently, due to my own limited internal dialogue, I’ve felt divided, anxious, and incomplete.

I’ve learned lately however, that if you manage your time well, you really can have it all. And, even more importantly, not only can you have it all, but when you embrace all aspects of your personality, no matter how different or opposite they may seem on the surface, it’s highly likely that each aspect will actually feed the other.

For example… as I’ve been spending a lot of time running and lifting weights these last couple of years, I think I’ve also been thinking more clearly. And, consequently, my writing and photography have improved. In fact, I think that most every part of my life has improved since I’ve re-embraced the more athletic side of myself.

I’ve also found that establishing a healthy balance between other aspects of my life has become important as well.

I’ve learned that sometimes it’s good to be forgiving and sometimes it’s better to just move on. Sometimes it’s good to be patient and gently encourage your friends, and sometimes, if they really need to break out of a rut, it’s good to give them a proper scolding.

It’s funny how a single approach to everything rarely works. I always thought that becoming a better writer meant having more time to write. But, as it turns out, I’ve been learning lately that writing well is more about living a better, more enriching life.

Maybe I’ve just been learning that it’s best to be well rounded. I’ve been learning it's OK to be part serious and part sarcastic. Part generous and part selfish. Part mental and part physical. Part solitary and part social. Part independent and part dependant. Part logical and part emotional. It really is all about striking the proper balance and embracing the parts of myself that didn’t seem to be consistent before.

In the end, we all have our contradictions and that’s what makes us unique – it’s what makes us ourselves.

So with that in mind… maybe one of these days…. after I crush some amateurs during a 10k run or the next time I kick my Dad’s ass in golf, I just might go back home and watch one of my favorite French films, or maybe I’ll help my Mom bake some peanut butter cookies. I always liked using a fork to make those little lines on top.